Going to hell in a handbasket

A singing whale, a reluctant vampire, a brilliant fool or an artistic master – all characters with Moore appeal than your average dramatis personae. The best, by far, is BFF Biff’s narrative about the early years of a heavenly prince – Lamb. While condemning an unrepentant thief, I discovered what influenced the message my savior gave his life preaching.

Prompt #18: In 57 words or less, tell us about a favorite book or author.

*For three weeks in mid-2006 I served on a federal jury. Over the course of the trial, 15 people spent eight hours a day, five days a week in a courtroom listening to the attorney of a Ponzi scammer tell us why his client wasn’t responsible for the $65 million he unabashedly stole from his elderly investors.

We also had a significant amount of down time in the jury room where we were prohibited from discussing the case. Newspapers were verboten, as was the Internet, which left old-fashioned books for entertainment.

A fellow juror saw me reading a bargain table edition of Christopher Moore’s “Fluke,” and recommended I also read “Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.”

While “Fluke” was a good read, “Lamb” was laugh-out-loud, snort-soda-out-your-nose hilarious. It is both irreverent and thought-provoking as you’re taken through what happened during Christ’s early life, the missing years not found in the Bible.

As a reluctant believer, I’m not easily offended by religious humor. That Moore was able to treat this premise with both respect and satire won me over as a fan. I have devoured nearly everything he’s written since then, including the only vampire trilogy you’ll ever need to read – “Bloodsucking Fiends,” “You Suck,” and “Bite Me.”

Moore’s most recently published books are “Fool,” a retelling of “King Lear” from his jester’s point of view, and “Sacré Bleu,” a romance-history-mystery involving the Great French Masters. Start with “Lamb,” but any of Moore’s books would be a great summer diversion.

Long overdue

I’ve known you for nearly thirty years, but what you did before we met affects me deeply and continues to impact my life everyday. I know that you weren’t thinking specifically of me then, still I feel that I need to say this, “Thank you, for the man you raised to be an amazing husband and father.”

Prompt #17: Share about a special mother in your life.

Kicked to the curb

In 1991, then Tennessee Sen. Al “I invented the Internet” Gore was in town to commemorate an Air Force Base anniversary. Being the seasoned local newspaper reporter, I got the interview. Our only opportunity to speak was in his limo on its way to the airport. Afterward, I was unceremoniously dumped on the side of the road.

Prompt #16: Share a celebrity encounter

I worked for a time at a thrice-weekly newspaper in rural Middle Tennessee. The paper served an area that included Arnold Engineering Development Center, Arnold Air Force Base in Tullahoma.

Gore and Sen. Jim Sasser were special guests at a 40th anniversary commemorating the opening of the base. I was to interview Gore for an article about the event. He was traveling to Chattanooga immediately after the ceremony, so I had a very small window of opportunity.

I knew he was headed to the airport, but had not been told how I was supposed to get back to the base. To say I was distracted during the interview, would be an understatement.

Just before the interstate on-ramp, the limo driver pulled onto the gravel shoulder, turned around and just looked at me. Gore also sat there simply staring at me, not saying a word. I was expected to know this was my stop. Dumbstruck, I got out of the car, all alone in the middle of nowhere, and watched as the car drove off.

This was before cell phones, so I had no way of calling anyone to tell them where to pick me up. Just when I was about to start walking the five miles back to the base, in a dress, in heels, another car pulled up. A Gore staffer got out and opened the back passenger door of car for me to get in. I didn’t say much on the drive back, but my poor husband, who was waiting for me at the base with our two-year-old daughter, certainly got an earful.

Lessons learned

I expected Allen Funt to jump out of the pantry the day my dad bare-handed a doxie turd and popped it into his mouth, noshing on it like some perverted peanut. Two valuable lessons were learned in that moment…

Be more diligent in my doggy doodie duties, and be more aware of what day it is.

Happy April Fools’ Day Pranksters!

Prompt #15: Share the best prank you ever played, saw executed or were the butt of yourself

In his shoes

If I could walk in your shoes for a day, what would the voices say to me, what would the faces look like? Could I survive your reality or would I go mad?

Prompt #13: tell about whose shoes you’d like to walk in for a day.

The Trifextra Weekend challenge: exactly 33 words written in first person narrative.

*Since his pre-teens, my son has struggled with a myriad of mental health issues. Diagnosed at age 12 with severe panic/anxiety disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, he also has bouts of depression, and times when he experiences auditory and visual hallucinations. As much as I try to be empathetic, I can’t totally grasp what he’s going through. Some days, I’ve wished I could be inside his head, to experience what he does, so that I could understand and perhaps be better equipped to help him. Yet, being witness to his episodes of panic and depression, I don’t think I could survive them with as much strength and courage as he does.

Cafe con leche

Whenever I visited Hilde, my adopted Cuban abuela, she would drink espresso from china demitasse cups she brought with her when her family fled Havana.

The afternoon I helped her scrape black beans off the ceiling when her pressure cooker exploded, she made me cafe con leche, and a love for sweet coffee was awakened in me.

Using an espresso machine, follow the instructions for brewing, using about 5 tablespoons of Cuban, Dark Roast Espresso Ground, packed, for each cup of water.

Add 4-6 teaspoons sugar (per cup of water) to the pot the coffee drips into, stirring the first few drips to make a frothy foam. You want the drink very sweet.

Combine one shot of sweet coffee to a small cup of hot, steamed milk.

Prompt #12: In 57 words or less, tell us about the best drink you ever had.

B as in Blue

When my children were young, every fall we’d pick up school supply lists and make our annual trek to Office Depot, filling our cart with No.2 pencils, wide-rule notebook paper, and 24-count boxes of Crayolas.

The kids have outgrown supply lists, but I still love crayons and coloring books, and I don’t share.

Prompt #11: Tell about something you’re embarrassed that you love.